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PC - Resident Evil 5

15 posts in this topic

You are submerged in a pool of thick, steaming sewage, taking in the subtle aroma and the wet but warm sensation that makes everything feel almost all right. In the distance, you hear the moans of Africans who are really pissed off, trying to take down whitey. Congratulations! You are playing Resident Evil 5!

As per Capcom norm, the story is no more than a two-bit pulp plotline created with much love and a quality that would make the screen writer for Manos: Hands of Fate blush. It all goes something like this: an evil corporation which deals in the tricky craft of biological weapons of “mass destruction” and dealings with shady characters of various terrorist groups and unstable nation states is spreading its taint from beyond the grave. This “evil corporation” known as Umbrella* does quite inexplicably “evil” things, with only a vague notion of profit and greed to mask the fact that this corporation is the classic “evil for evil’s sake” cliché. To top it off, it occasionally has incredibly risky and illogical experiments that it performs – all of which provide the backdrop for each of the games in the series. The last two games concern these “plagas” parasites developed by – you guessed it – Umbrella Corp. In the fourth installment in the series, these were loosed on poor Spanish countryside peasants as I’m sure most are aware, and in this, it’s “plagas 2.0” in some unknown African country. Gee, these video game assholes know nothing of subtlety**! This always manages to strike me as funny, because most of the real-life big-shot villains aren’t discovered until after they’re dead or filthy rich and have been doing their evil deeds for years or decades. At this point in the story, Umbrella is collapsed, but it seems to be reforming by the same interests who created it in the first place. And I think the game tells the story almost exactly like this in the “Library” section. Like the previous game, we’re going back to old characters, though this time it’s Chris Redfield as opposed to Leon Kennedy.

In this story, as in most, it is one of terrible terrorists and glorious governments. The governments of the world are always fixing the problems the corporations create. At least, they do in fantasy land. Worse yet, they do it with a laughable simplicity that neither mirrors the difficulties of such deeds nor the reality that governments tend to foul more things up than Capcom. Two people are apparently more effective than a company-sized unit or, hell, maybe even a whole army in this fucking game.

Going back to the game proper, let’s take a quick glance back at the introduction. That “subtle aroma”? Yes, that was an exercise in very major irony. The “wet but warm sensation”? It leaves the player feeling dirty and violated and everything is in fact wrong. This game is in fact more akin to cock and ball torture than entertainment, as we’ll soon see. It is an enraging shit fest which takes the previous title in the series, adds a few gimmicks and stupid features, and styles itself as a new game. But the scene isn’t complete. I left out the part about the giant mound of negro shit, and the four weapons you have which must be emptied into him and any minor turds around him just so that you can progress a little in the map, grab slightly more ammunition, kill some more minor turds, and repeat this process. It really is that repetitive.

So what new features have they added to the shooting mechanics? Well, you still can’t move while attacking or reloading, and this includes melee attacks, and the player still feels as though they are a retard in slow motion, while the enemies are faster, stronger, and have a few other slight edges. Although in this one, the player is grossly outnumbered to stress the cooperative gimmick, making the game much more frustrating when running through the single player campaign. The inventory system is now worse, because now the players must navigate it in real time, and it is far more limiting than in the fourth. Nil improvement on the mechanics front, although the laser sight has been replaced by a typical crosshair. I come off with the impression that Capcom has tried to give the game a more genuine survival horror and tactical feel since the beginning of the series, but they attempt this while straying nearly as far from survival horror and tactical motifs as a game can while still retaining some of those features. You see, head shots very often do little more than a chest shot, because rather than ‘X’ damage resulting in a burst head, one must achieve a critical head shot for the enemy to die within short order, and even then, many of the enemies have a large column of parasite emerge from their absent head. If one is lucky, they have *only* spent around a magazine getting the son of a bitch to lose their head/die (or so they thought), but the exposed parasite can absorb several shotgun shells or magazine after magazine of pistol or submachine gun ammunition. Which then takes me to another flaw: they identify the automatic carbines chambered in pistol cartridges known as “submachine guns” as “machine guns”. This is more of nitpicking than anything, but come the fuck on – that’s an obvious semantic error. They probably use clips to refer to magazines as well (this one I can’t remember specifically).

And Capcom has still overlooked one big thing: for a visceral, truly gut-wrenching or powerful survival horror game, a more realistic first-person approach will always win out. For the unwittingly self-parodying joke like most Resident Evil games, I suppose their silly approach does fine***. Their character design is also somewhat laughable. In this game, the protagonists are a heavily muscular (yet oddly weak in practice) alpha male with a troubled past and an attractive British/African temptress with a fleeting sense of honor. Both are of course paramilitary types in an exclusive special operations organization. I mean, to the credit of a game like Dead Space, at least the protagonist is of the mercenary persuasion who wields primarily industrial tools to dispatch his foes (although that game has its fair share of issues) rather than the typical grunt who is poorly equipped early on but manages to wield a true armory later in his quest. The best thing they did with character design is not giving Redfield a manly-man voice, ala Gears of War.

One of the boss fights is somewhat of a rehash from the last installment in the series, though now the player finds themselves in a vehicle wielding either a PKM or an odd copy of a Vulcan minigun, dependent upon which character the player has chosen. The player is fighting an el gigante guy who has now borrowed some tricks from the Left 4 Dicks tank, along with several random majini quasi-zombies who fire upon the player. So the player is expected to focus on the big guy while being pelted by assholes on the side – at least they didn’t pull this shit in RE4. On the hardest difficulty, one can expect to have to repeat this part many times, and while the intended course of action is fairly obvious, the dodge/reflex sequences are silly and awkward. This is beside the many mini-bosses who are scattered throughout, to which the player can expect to die very much as well. Ammunition expenditure is incredibly high, even for accurate shooters, and ammunition must be split between the two protagonists.

In short, this is not as good as RE4 or Dead Rising. This is Capcom’s mediocrity surfacing. And if this is Japan’s best – which Capcom most certainly is – then this is terrible news for the largely stagnant cesspool of Japanese gaming. The true shining star of that region**** is displaying what amounts to “meh” gaming in this title and several others.

* I imagine this was done to describe a sort of multi-national, mercantilist nightmare, but it really comes off silly.

** This refers to both the developers and the “bad guys” in the scat-ridden stories they craft.

*** Although the third person over the shoulder approach is much better than the fixed cinematic cameras-which-were-placed-just-to-piss-the-player-off-and-give-them-poor-visual-access-to-narrow-rooms-and-corridors of yore.

**** Nintendo and Square be damned. Either company usually runs somewhere between irrelevant and consistently shitty during even their brightest hours now-a-days.

Gameplay - 5/10: Tedium is the name of the game. The AI are all somewhat confused and slow at best. The shitty shooting mechanics and the use of a single “context action” button really fuck shit up. On the hardest difficulty, dying is constant and “mini-boss” enemies are ridiculously strong – this after most normal enemies can absorb almost an entire magazine from a pistol without dying. Not to mention the bland repetition of this game.

Graphics - 7/10: The character models and animations are mostly nice, but otherwise the graphics are your typical fare. Particle effects, shaders, physics and collision detection are nothing special.

Audio - 5/10: Some of the guns sound decent, but many of the zombies are annoying. Still, some of the weapons have cap gun syndrome.

Replay Value/Longevity - 6/10: Better than the typical modern shooter, but nothing to write home about –especially with the only multiplayer capability being the coop story mode (which the game was designed for).

Overall – 5.5/10: If developers aren’t pushed and their balls aren’t busted, this is going to be your typical product. . . Which it is, and which earns it this less than remarkable score. This is not a classic, and it isn’t even remotely as memorable as the fourth.

Pictures coming later if I'm up to it.

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RE 5 tries to hard

You nailed it.

I seriously hope that shitcom get their shit together.

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I like how splitscreen on the console version breaks the game up into two small rectangles to completely defeat the purpose of owning a widescreen tv.

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I like how splitscreen on the console version breaks the game up into two small rectangles to completely defeat the purpose of owning a widescreen tv.

It's much better then the one World at War used to have...fuck me that was bad.

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It's much better then the one World at War used to have...fuck me that was bad.

Possibly, but RE5 has you constantly searching for a tiny red dot within that shitty rectangle.

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A mediocre review on a mediocre game by a mediocre person. Actually I'm surprised you gave it as high a score as you did, I figured you'd call it a shit fest. The review was good but personally I think the graphics score should be a bit higher, like an 8. I mean at least the character models are well detailed, if a bit grotesquely muscular.

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Sad thing is, I hadn't gotten to the second uroboros guy OR the fights with Wesker. Those are far more frustrating than the gigante fight.

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Gigante fight made me rage a little, just because I was all like "hey, I already killed like five of you in the last game, let's move on,"

I found the Wesker fights pretty easy. It was the bit at the big doors, where they hit me with bugs and chaingun guys at the same time that I had to re-evaluate my strategy.

Anyway, good times. I gave it a positive review.

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the second uroboros guy

Are those the leech things? I thought that fight was visually impressive until I realized the only special effect they didn't include was any indication that you're causing damage to the damn thing. Remember when bosses used to flash red when they were severely injured? Those were the days. I think it eventually dissolved out of boredom.

That fight was still more intense than the giant ship-eating monster that I killed with a single rocket, and the final fight with Wesker whom we killed with the clever use of knives.

Oh, and the game instantly dropped a grade the moment the token flamboyant homosexual villain uttered the phrase "I JUST HAD AN EXTREME MAKEOVER!".

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Personally I like the Resident Evil games horrible script writing. They can write bad lines like no ones business, and sometimes they're stupid funny as a result. Sometimes...

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If you want terrible writing, read the manual for the game. It's so stupid.

Anyway, anyone wanna do 360 coop?

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