• Announcements

    • Brentonator

      Forum Rules (Please Read)

      Hello everyone and welcome to the No More Room In Hell Forums! We greatly appreciate your interest and support. Please feel free to begin post and become a part of this community. But please make sure that you read and understand the following rules so things can stay as clean and as orderly as possible around here. These rules are expected to be follow by any and all members at all times. Disobeying these rules will result in disciplinary action by a moderator. #1. Off color remarks are acceptable but can be deemed inappropriate at the discretion of the moderators. #2. Flaming and disrespecting other members of this community or this mod is strictly prohibited. #3. Please do not post links relating to warez or illegal downloading. #4. No offensive content is to be posted (gore, dead babies, porn). #5. Please do not spam topics to increase your post count. #6. No excessively large signatures. Signatures that violate this will be modified. #7. Signatures are not to be used as a spamming tool. If your signature's sole purpose is to annoy or distract other members, it will be removed. #8. Please do your part to be as friendly, respectful, and helpful to anyone and everyone on this forum. #9. Your posts may be removed at any time at our sole discretion. #10. Remember the terms of your registration...a copy is posted below but may not represent the latest version of our terms of use. #11. No advertising other communities or products. Have fun.
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Vishnu

Joe is Back but Still Ill but More Kind

35 posts in this topic

I do not know how long I have been gone but I feel kind of peaceful, deeply in spite of recent and the most horrifying experiences I have ever had more than being beaten with the belt, fearful in a nightmare, or being threaten medication and an institution as I scream the veins in my head pulsing as if my blood was squeezing through my face for my life. It was all only a show; I never meant to be crazy. I was just an attention whore and that was probably because I never got any attention all my childhood or the cause of my blue feelings from as far as preschool, I can remember, would cause me to strive for happiness through the natural, involuntary strive for attention for happiness. It was all a show; a joke. I am still trying to remove this drug or addiction of vanity or my egotism. I'm sorry, everyone.

I just can't hide anymore. I was blind in the past but I am so afraid right now as well as every now and then for not just my life I hope to be happy without but most esquisitly: my soul. Recent events and all my life are tumbling on me as the opposite or just as I thought it would as I tried pursuing a better life but I did not know it would be this horrible and terrifying!

As I can argue in my family but my whole family will yell me down making me feel like a drunk dad coming home with an attitude when I am not trying to be that person, whether they perceive it that way or not. They can yell at each other but if I try to stop things, all hell breaks lose and that day of recent past my mom wants to get me on medication or kick me out the house to pack my bags and/or be institutionalized. I know my biological mom would do crazy things because she is schizophrenic but I do crazy things out of my mere conscious for a show of my selfish joys to please people to receive from them.

My best friend... or at least I hope... I don't know... would be the only one that I would see not laughing at or with me of my ridiculous behavior anymore. I guess he sees truth or just hates my ungrateful personality. He plays devil's advocate on me all the time and I scorn him for it but he is the only one who probably sees me for who I am becoming: some comical character who lost his mind. My mom is right. I am ungrateful but I try to be good but no one wants to listen or no one I try to tell, my family for the all part.

I don't remember much of what made me mad in the past but I am sorry, everyone. It was not much of what I could control. I have worked my first job, my back would scorch in pain and flames, and my boss's month-long neglection of my dear schedule for my own life attendings ripped my emotions apart as I walk home tearing or practically crying. One night, I did not continue home for I walked into the dark park at night around 11:00 PM and went into the far right baseball field and let myself slowly break down into the misty, damp grass, cry, and whimper and call to God. My life, I am sick or I just do not want to be who I am anymore!

I would walk to take breaks at night even if it hurts my body or soul for some mental distilling of thoughts or skills but I did not know that this one night, after another night of hearing very disturbing animal sounds from the woods, I would randomly have the thought of me being the antichrist come upon me! That is the most terrifying experience I have ever felt in my entire life! I was just thinking of what I may tell you soon in the upcoming paragraph and then somehow just this random attacking thought of me being the antichrist (remember I was sleep deprived) every protective thought I had against it was me realizing how my thinking habits of putting myself into other's shoes to become a better person and from what I heard of the antichrist in the past was probably me applying all that to myself and especially how I distilled the thinking process of me keeping at doing something until it is accomplished but it is like my negative side was attacking me! So, so many times I have pleaded to God and asked for forgiveness and to come into me as I thought he always had been and that I repeatedly told myself and gave reason to why I believe in Jesus. Right now and usually at nights, I feel that fear, and I am just trying to get rid of it as my problems like that usually do!

Please, everybody, pray for me, as I have asked my best friend. I am afraid. I have God and Jesus close with me but I feel actually comforted by them but I need each of your prayers for me and I promise a prayer of greatness to you all of peace and nirvana (complete state of happiness) soon to come into your lives. I will pray tonight for that but you all have no idea how many times I have just broken down crying or scolding in fear like I'm cold turkey of my foolish pride and joy. I feel as if I have nothing! Now days, my family and some friends understand what I say when I figuratively sit behind a desk to just listen to people's opinions and to just listen or else be argued with and sometimes condemned in guilt and pain. Sometimes, I must pay, but I usually feel sucked dry of feeling.

I get what I deserve but I am trying so hard to be good and grateful and happy and nice person. I never intended on hurting anybody. I did not know that I risk myself in condemning others and putting themselves out to blue as many have done so unto me. I was becoming the nightmare of the dread, anger, glum, sadness, and darkness, as well as fire that was put onto me in my far past to present but I do not want it anymore! Please pray for me!

Of my shame and guilt and even though you all are only distant and I haven't really spoken of who I really am to my closest of my family and friends. I am not one to womanize or commit adultery. I realize that itself takes the love and pleasure into a world of addiction that drugs, alcohol, greed, vengeance, and all that fall into which is all relative in the addicting or wild, out-of-control manner. I realize there is more love and bondage to do what I feel is right and not give good reason to what I do so confusingly. I care less about money for I buy my friends who now live at an apartment some food or drinks everynow and then on weekends like milk, tea, or red velvet cake mix and stuff. It makes me happy doing nice things because it is the real me: lonely, unable to bond with group conversation, in shame and embrassment of all social failures to respond effectively in social conversation, etc. I am not great even though I can effortlessly make a class laugh of my foolishness but it's contagious, even in college, and I should not go anylonger as that personality trait. I need to be me... not the pothead, awesome, or cool Joe. I really do not dance, I suck socially, I can only sing and play guitar, I am horrible at noticing love advancements. I am lazy. I am very tired @ 1:29 AM with much homework for college and yet I type to you all.

This is what I am just going to tell you all, as I have told very few people and only my psychiatrist first and then who I wouldn't realize who is my best friend and I am not his best friend only because he is real or true and the only one who sees my true being and not as a joker and self-ridiculing buffoon for kicks of selfish laughter: I like that best friend in a more bonding relationship as a friend. Though, with too much evidence to prove his own personality, he basically shakes me off his leg to fall and die like in the new Poseidon when I admit myself to him as he only did indirectly and of incognito. I have removed or am still removing my lusts. I prefer no one but who I choose until absolutely proven otherwise to drag my molasses ass to another someone I probably do not need for the sake of all my depression I have presented to you all.

Notice, this is me admitting to you all the very reason why I have been so happy and depressed to you all: I have liked certain people I have sucked into my contagious vision of nirvana. Right or wrong, it happened. I suffered, then prevailed. I suffer from everyone's judgements including here but me prevailing is letting a child have his freedom wanting to stay home from school and yell into a mic playing Zombie Panic for life while other kids have to go with their dread of school. I deserve this all but did I really deserve that antichrist-threatening bullcrap?! That was horrible! I am talking to a psychiatrist now... but as I even told my family and little friends that I really need support over opinions right now... but me not wanting opinions is only because I am far burnt out from them, rendering me empty and in pain but maybe me not completely understanding their way, even though they wouldn't for me, or my misconception was always my problem.

I just need some help, please? I need prayer, understanding, life-giving, gratifying of life, God, and me understanding prayers and love. If anything believed to be helpful, please be sure you feel it is right and helpful for me to read... I really REALLY need IT!!! I am sick of imagining myself as an idol or image of greatness as if I am a hollywood movie. I recognize they are fake! I look and fantasize my looks in the mirror into a situation! I fantasize about death still even though it just came onto me in elementary school but I want out! I want freedom! I can't whine anymore about respect but help! I am sorry for everyone's hatred I caused for myself. I am sorry for misleading, if harshly so happened, to anyone who read my interpretations. Please forgive me and pray and make sure you don't forget!

And for my love for you all, we are born in a unique century and for yourselves and my recognition and love for you all: There is a chip being made. Regardless of your religion, your true side or spirit of being of light, righteous, peace, and greatness will be shown if you know why you may reject it! I found it to be the mark of the beast as I read it on the news but as for you all who may not believe, at least consider it with your innermost logic? If not, try and know that you shouldn't give in to the New World Order or United Nations Act and for you to take a chip or else be shunned of your rights. They shun themselves from ALL of our joys of thoughts of: What is truth? Are aliens really out there? Is God real? and even created sound weapons that mess with our perception of our brain that thinks in the way of the wondering thoughts! If any of this seems bizarre, as even 9/11 is now being protested and questioned greatly, just consider it and imagine peace for yourself once and for all by making the most boldest and most relieving choice of your life in doing what's right: look to hope beyond light and what we perceive as real when our true joys lie within the abstract of cartoons, dreams, and fantasies! This is just me out of an act of love.

I still feel as if I have bandaged bullet wounds that hurt and head trauma of what I experienced. Please, just make a choice... A choice that I foolishly tried and debated to my point of trash I've been accumulating for me to finally realize what I still am doing and yearn to stop and fully understand! I need prayers for my full redemption and cleansing and safety into God and love. I know God and religion is touchy but pardon yourselves! We are born in a century, as most will have to experience, of great triumph of not the world but ourselves! Pardon yourself and make a choice! Be happy you wish not to kill and steal but survive in a zombie holocaust that I still love... and still question and find funny and somehow friendly!

Just understand, please? I am helping by opening to you the choice you have as well as opening myself to everyone so I do not have to take it out on you all and help the very reason why I have been who I was. This is Joe, I assure you, as you see my sentence structure!

They say in death: your life flashes before your eyes but I say in triumph over death, you receive epiphanies of your life you realize just as I have an you can to! ...only without my foolish choices and habits leading to my current suffering.

Prayers, please, and anytime is fine! Especially when you care most hopefully regardless of any situation!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yup, it's Joe alright.

We missed you Joe, welcome back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Apparently I'm a being of 'peace and righteous'. It's all good.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome Back Joe.

The entire time I was reading your post I kept imagining you as a white haired priest preaching to his flock.

Somewhat like the preacher from Dead Rising, only not evil and with I hope considerably less swords in your face.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Joe

I want to send you a PM however I am not capable of doing so, I think it's because you don't have enough posts. Why are you using a new account anyways. As much as you want to change I still miss your old account name.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ghettobarney, you should change your sig before this takes a turn for the worse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I genuinely cannot be bothered to read all of that for the following reasons:

Its by Joe.

It sounds way too religious (and i poopoo on that)

And i already wasted 10 minutes of my life reading the post he made the last time he left and came back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Love to you Joe. Dont let the outside world make you think your crazy! I know what you mena by having your negative side being your gut response because a lot of the time the first thing i think about anything is the worse thing i could do, but immediately after wards in disgust my positive emotions come in and correct me. I am also trying to focus myself on more positive things in life to bring it back to the more prominent portion of my thinking. Also, don't let yourself get absorbed by the corrupt governments and actions being done around the world, its just the universe telling us there is something wrong with humanity and we are trying to fix it, just do what you can for yourself and think about the things you want to happen and would make your world happy or "nirvana". If your looking for something up-lifting or a reason for life that is unbiased towards any or most religions then check out mayan, hopi, inca, and many other ancient indigenous prophecies that tend to be the same but don't focus on organized religion and polarity as they do one love of the universe and life as a whole. I've felt after researching into those prophecies that we are on a conscious evolutionary journey and we should be happy and excited to be a part of this great re-birth, and to read what you've posted was a deep insight to your life, it makes me feel even more faithful that we are actually on a large scale evolution of consciousness which will bring us into a new age of enlightenment and peace and love for all!

Also, another option to check out would be Rasta spirituality, as it also teaches one love for the earth and her sons and daughters.

PEACE&LOVE~

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember Joe when I was using a different alias a while back, I don't even bother reading your shit load of text anymore.

But still welcome back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like whoever your avatar and name is, Watchman, and your post is the only I've read. I am very afraid now and these weeks... It was a great movie: Watchmen. I relate to the comic! :)

I'm sorry, everyone for not taking the time to read but please forgive me. Has anyone felt the fear or has imagined, "What if I could survive being in space but I could see a gigantic black hole literally bigger than the earth and it was extremely dark with a lightly shaded whirl around it and I was being sucked in it?" HAve you ever felt that kind of fear but slightly because you weren't actually living it? I feel as if I'm living it but I'm in the blackhole but it feels like it...

My fear is to read absolutely anything hurtful that is more weight for me to fall which is why I do not want to read. I'm sorry for now but I guess I will be back at some point... but I'm afraid I will still be afraid during those times. Please pray for me because I only have a shrink and the few who will support me and supply friendship and care. Other than that, VERY long week in between the weekends are of what I feel now.

I feel as if I'm in a hot pot and I can't get out of the pot... as if I was the frog I put in a bowl a long time ago... and I sadly think I let it die or left some of them in there and waited until one died or I think I let it free which is true... Please, I feel so afraid! I need PRAYERS, FOR REAL, TRUTH, COMFORT!

I am that one that will leave and return... and over again but this is me asking for PRAYERS because maybe soon or later without prayers, I will PERAMANTLY be gone and not to serve with SHORT posts because I'm either dead or in an institution!

Please pray for me and for those who don't read my long posts, please tell them to pray and if they know they'll forget, pray now. I just need a prayer for whatever I feel afraid of or just for y'all to give me comfort, wisdom, your common sense I was always without that my fear of being bad isn't really my choice of becoming a bad person. It is really my choice of who I want to be but I know that but it's like my "nothing" side is attacking me but it's not some poetic exaggeration; it is real... so please pass the word. I need prayers... please and absoultely seriously.

.... even though we're only on the internet but connected as of our minds and spirits.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I won't pray because I'm an Atheist but I'll think about you... Sexually.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I really would like to write nice or awesome visionary stories in the future... but that's no advertisement... it's desperation and is serious. I feel as if I could drop into hell if I slip on slippery floor. Please take ONE SECOND to be serious and understand that I am |SERIOUS|

For any who care, please realize we all have a long life to appreciate, love, and enjoy through challenge and strive for better in times of turbulence. I'm saying whenever you read my post of future posts I hope to give in the future or read my name or see my topic, give a quick and always meaningful prayer, not of obligation but care and understanding and the giving of faith and help for the few people like me who are horribly selfish but still caring and helpful in time but easily fall. Just give any prayer but of your spirit, not obligation for me to get through this... all of this ONCE and for good. I think I'm experiencing the feeling that the people who really do die from suicide but I have no intent of that anymore but fear of being cruel or a horrible person one day because of maybe my past rage, corruption, misinterpretation, and love for horror movies, demonology, saying shit like sympathy for the devil, and from being the thief and abuser in different ways of the past...

Just until I get through this, please spend the temporary moments as of weeks or daily of days of our long lives helping me. I am stripped into nothing but my true self: shit and I want to be a good person now but I need to be a good person... and I need help and I need it now. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0