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Can anyone give me their feedback on how to look at a set of happenings that went down this past year? In any of this, would you say murder was being conjured? If you don't like me, remember this is the internet, and I can only attempt to bite you. I want freedom so don't think you're causing anything bad for speaking your mind. *Notes* 1. Snake incident 2. Walking across a high pole 3. Going to Skate arena full of bombs ahead 4. The Christian wanted to know why I thought certain ways and prepared himself to cry the day I told him I was atheist. He never wanted to ask. He wanted it to look natural so he waited for the day I talked about it. Although a lot of conjuring, or fishy behaviors were going on before I met these two kids, it really began to rumble the two years following having to know them. It was another sunny afternoon at the park on top of a gigantic cement sewage drain platform held up by four cement corners above an 8 foot drop into a sewer after 3pm, some time after I wake up and when kids get home from school. I would normally be playing and singing guitar, since I already went to the point of hating my family's shit, conjuring, and walking in the room while I am singing to stop me and tell me something. Until that day, these kids I saw before walked up to me to meet me. As of course, I kindly greeted them, but they wanted to know me more. It wasn't long until I realized they always had some weird kind of alibi, as if they knew something, but wanted to pose as if they were ignorant of more adult-like life. There was a time they talked about Santa, playing as if they were tiny kids, but trying to edge me an opportunity to say what I think, which is nothing what innocent kids would do. Therefore, they obviously knew Santa wasn't real and were just there to hear what I would say. So instead, I decided to have fun and give a serious, straight face saying, "but Santa is real." On the upside lest to say, one of the kids' little brother had two older brothers, one of which wanted to video tape movies of us doing things. In a way I can't completely penalize their intentions, but they always seemed to know something. Then came this day where I was to hang out with the kid who was the hunter, since I hung out with the jackarse vigilant Christian most of the time. We were to walk down the creek and hunt for frogs and snaked. Before going far at all, we get in the water and Christian tells me to stick my hand in the hole. I wanted to be as gullible as possible for the kid, which was an expected trait he would take advantage of to taunt my "how dangerous could a kid be?" So I stuck my hand in the hole, tempting against what could be in a hole at the side of a creek. I felt a snake, but persevered ignorance, and pulled it out fast, saw it, and dropped it to prevent getting bitten. Christian tells me, "catch it," and within a second I contemplate a life of not trying and I wanted to fight it. So instead of resisting to a "hip-hop one of two Christiasn with an insidious attitude," I went ahead at picked it up. It bit me, went away, but he either caught the snake or I held it, keeping its ahead away from me. Thereafter, I felt more focused and calm from the bite. He killed it and I felt very sorry for it. I felt the more I felt sorry for the snake, the more I felt better. Christian didn't like how I felt or thought about animals. Another day we went hunting with his pellet gun. Around that I time I mentioned about those snakes that bit me and how I am not angry about it since it felt interesting. So when we walked way down, he collapsed in the sticks along the slope we walked up to get a view of a squirrel to shoot. I, for some reason, was closer to the creek, when he says, "don't you dare feel sorry for animals," in a crying voice. Sure, he's little, but he never gave me the chance to say how fucking tired I sometimes am... how SHITTY I FEEL. He doesn't let me express my feelings to the fullest or try to figure out how to adjust my attitude. He doesn't know how I REALLY feel about him or people. He just thinks like the squirrel, as another recent aggravater put it to me, "you know how stupid squirrels are?" He thought so simple that I consider animals more valuable than people. Just throw up money and give it to me. I don't care if it's slobby. Plus, I had to feel sorry for the snake OR ELSE I'D FEEL LIKE SHIT FROM THE SNAKE BITE. JUST LIKE in Spider Man (w/ Tobey Maguire and Willen Dafoe) when the Green Goblin's human self screams, "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I SACRIFICED," at the meeting, people don't understand WHAT I NEED TO DO, but they just want to CHANGE ME UP as if I have video settings to cherry-pick with. It's just like his expression, but without the rage and uncontrollable behavior. I PROTECT MYSELF WITH MYSELF. "Who are we without ourselves?" I read as a response days later after telling someone at Laser Tag "who are we without Laser tag," in response to the manager quitting so he can sanitize parts at a hospital. Can daddy EVER have a clean and understood chat with anyone? Where you can understand everything that's going on and what you SHOULD be talking with me about? The night of that day, it came to me the closer I was falling asleep: I felt this rage. It felt like the rage of the snake and I felt it squeezing me, but only this time it was all in my head, and my brain was giving me images of what it is; its venom. Just like how I grew up: Resisting against parents who never cared about how smart I was; they just wanted me to use it to get choirs done. I fought the venom with every human trait my mind would muster, causing different ways of using my brain: Sorrow, rage, heroism, etc. That, all in one bed, no words spoken out loud for my little brother to hear. He could have known what was going on. Already then, I was wondering if this kid is on a mission to kill me for resembling traits of a pedophile. Certainly, thoughts of me being a pedophile went on for years before this, but around middle school I realized I wasn't annoyed by kids, but other people were. So innocent and fresh in youth of mind, I realized it is a norm to hate kids and go with the flow. This caused me to be more vigilant on the inside and thus more quiet. I'm not trying to offend any of my readers, but I want you to understand I mean no harm to anybody, and I want you to understand that I could have been under the influence of a conjured murder to look like an accident. Of my 20+ years of living, I have WAY MORE nice thoughts and memories to fucking deserve this treatment with possible ties of this city's police department. In contrast or further more, there was this time when I broke an air soft rifle on a black kid named Andre's head, as he was about to swing first, or try to tempt me. So I broke it on his head, some parents overlooking the kids called the police, in which one of the officers told my Muslim friend, "if I could I would beat you into the ground." That's a moment of two truths: My Muslim friend didn't like my open-mindedness around kids so he conjured me into hitting a teenage looking kid. If the police were involved, they made sure the officer had no part in it to tell my friend (enemy) he wish he could. That way, I am cryptically indicated they both oppose me with respect. That's not so respectful if they want to conjure that I get killed years later when someone could have talked to me in my face, or discussed my intentions. For some reason, discussing all of my intentions was innegotiable. I wonder why. It's usually childish ignorance, like laziness via apprehending the energy involved in getting a task gone. That was years ago before I met these two kids. Months after meeting the two kids, the same hunter one invites me to go to the local skating arena, where he will stand me up to be there alone to be observed on what things I do while there. The first thing that happened after renting roller blades to roller blade the first time ever seriously trying in my life was one of the owners asking me, "what inspired me to go there." I did not want to look weird so I told her it's been a long time since I've ever skated so I want to try today. Of course, the worthless hustler only good for her business knew it wasn't the original reason. Scientifically, that isn't a lie, because I wouldn't have gone if I didn't want to try and skate and do something fucking new. So I skated in the small loop for kids to learn, since I didn't know how to skate. I started trying and stuff, acting stupid around people, saying, "baby steps." Then the female operative comes by and tells me I am ready for the big ring, possibly trying to strike more nervousness. Along the way, two kids wanting to be around with me and talked to me. I never really cared to talk to them, but I responded. At some point, one of them told me he's part of a D.A.R.E. group. So I mentioned to him that one day I was on my way home from laser tag, and this guy by a small convenient store asks me to come by. So I did. He asks me if I have any drugs to sell and I told him no. After telling the kid, I wondered what he made of it. I felt sure on the inside he didn't want to know. I felt a strong presence of being scrutinized by people there. I missed The Family Dinner that night since the two kids wanted me to stay there. They were friends to me, since I didn't have any so I took advantage of a special night. So after all that hysterical roller-blading I was doing and some employee asking me if I am high and my response: "No, I have to ride my bike here(it's cold and my eyes clash against the wind), we played in the arcade. I felt more nervous being around kids who wanted me to play ice-hockey with them. When it ended, their parents came by and looked anxious to leave. So I went ahead to leave out of respect of their behavior. That's when the night started going crazy. I couldn't leave out the exiting door without being hassled by two tall employees who told me to leave. So I stood there, told them, "I was on my way out," and, "may I ask why you need me to," and they told me I was doing funny business with a kid. So I ask for the owners of the place and they told me the woman I met was one of the owners, basically telling me there was nothing I can do about it. So I leave to go get on my bike and the tired was popped. Instead of going straight home, I decided to sit there upset, to show that I see what's happening. That's when these two older boys show up asking me why I was hanging with kids. I tried telling them their age didn't matter to me, but they told me I am way too old for them. I never got the chance to tell anyone that I don't get annoyed by kids so they don't matter to me. So I yelled, "I am just angry my tire got popped," and, "that manager guy was the only person I told I had a bike." They took my anger offensively, which had nothing to do with the two dumb arseholes, and yelled at me, "I will kill you," and "do you know what they will do to you in jail?" That's when one of them just started kicking me. That bitch kicking should have had my arse-kicking, but I just covered my head instead. They walked away, yelling at me, but I follow. They wanted to know why so I told them in a haughty behavior, waiving my hands forward like a juggler or Terrance Howard in Fight movie trailer "for justice!" So the whole brady-bunch Mexican family leaves, their older brothers tell me not to look at their brothers. I tell them, "just maybe you are prejudice," as one of the brady-bitch sisters stands still to hear what I say. I go back inside and ask to call the police. One of the tall black guys asked me if I was sure, he really depended me on being too nervous to try, but I wanted to give them all fucking hell. I can't really diss the police because they should have peace in their lives, but at the time, I wanted everyone involved with all this conjuring to meet my own hell. I know Earth isn't heaven, but I believe I was better off being confronted and paid money to never be so kind to a child again, because I wasn't that kind of person. So the police arrive. I kept my intentions simple so I know how to respond when asked about my hanging with kids. Two police cars park. One was a tall man and the other was shorter, a little larger, and tough. They first talk to the owners, which felt disrespectful to me since I was the one who made the call. Then they walk up to me. I forgot the order in which things occurred, but they wanted me to sit on the front of the SUV or the other police car. So I do. As suave and righteous as I wish to mix, suave and righteous is how I felt. I have had enough of feeling nervous on this Earth. I didn't REALLY feel nervous. You can say every bit of nervousness was accompanied by a positive equivalent I managed to oppress. I was wearing a big jacket an old friend who told me I had schizophrenia and it will only get worse. They checked it, which had a napkin full of chaffing oil. I told them I hadn't planned this to happen and the oil was for making a little fire in the woods. They check the next pocket which had pine nuts for testosterone from a fucking nut. I also had cash. They kept it while interrogating me. They told me the employees said I was doing (something like) naughty business with the kid, which I wasn't. They then said I was going into party rooms with them, or the one upstairs. I told them, "that's a lie, they are exaggerating, and even the upstairs is public." I also said, "I made no voluntary action to talk to them," while I was completely oblivious that I could have said, "I know this was a conjuring of at least a D.A.R.E. program, if not the police, but I don't want to sound crazy." I got to mention about the man who popped my bike tire; him being the only I told, but they were not to care. They did get specific like "why were you following them?" I said they wanted me to and that their friendship helped me focus on skating with confidence as part of my own personal research (I did say something like that with a "that those two guys [the two tall employees] wouldn't understand.") He responds, "those kids shouldn't have authority over you." I responded in an argumentative voice to look more innocent, "it's not like they're gonna make me do bad things." The tall officer laughs once and responds. They give me back my stuff and tell me that I can either leave now or go with them to jail. I stood there & asked, "what's the verdict?" "The verdict is you go home or you come with us." At an inch of them just taking me to jail, I said, "that's not a verdict." I didn't feel very afraid, but I was nearly like the fat kid from the Stand By Me movie, laying down on train tracks to get ran over by a train. I put on my jacket, checked my pockets for my belongings, and started walking. As I left left of the place, I turned around and glanced at the white employee, whom must've popped my bike tire. I had to walk home with a popped tire just because people don't like me hanging with "A KID" (the expression and words of the man at the park after beating Andre in the head with an airsoft gun.) I still remember that day even more years back. Even if that's what I had in me, I could have been better. I practiced basketball and Golden Eye 64 enough to know there's better, but Ameer and and that fucking father don't see shit that way. That's still called prejudice on them both, if that's the way they see it: "A KID!" "A KID!" A KID? YOU're telling me? I remember who I was when I was little and I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU AND YOUR KIDS ARE FROM WHAT I SEE. Some kids hold Ak47s... DAMN IF ONLY we could go back in time and try out new things to say. They also asked me, "why are you giving candy to kids?" I responded clueless, but I knew he was talking about Halloween. I wish I was more honest and told him, "It was Halloween, adults do it, and I've always had a silly behavior to do something like that on my own. Plus, it was dark chocolate. It's healthier for kids. It might reduce any ADD problems. I also looked vigilant of the officer that passed by that night, but I really wanted to be nice and give him candy, too. Instead it was tough love." I still feel hurtful on how I responded to the sheriff in an SUV passing me, my fire, and my bowl of candy in the front yard. He even waived to me. At least in retrospective, the police are also the kind ones, seeking out my fellowship as a citizen. That's who I am without feeling like a dog with scars. SERIOUSLY, he passed by, I looked upset, but I really wish I could replay my impulses to be more real even if idle. I could have held up a large piece of candy. I BOUGHT: 2 king sized dark chocolate Hershey Bars 2 big orange-flavored dark chocolate balls 1 bag from each Ghirardelli Dark Chocolates (1 caramel bag, 1 peppermint, 1 dark chocolate, etc.) Store value dark chocolate Reese's and snickers (50-75 cents a piece) Even Dark chocolate kit-kats. It was all $40 worth of dark chocolate... and I only had 1 hour to give it out and go back to fucking work. SEE, EVEN MY JOB knows about me and they probably want me working on HALLOWEEN AGAIN. IF that does happen, I will ask for a raise or a wage of $10-14 that night or permanently. While that seems like the last of it, there's still a time when I was also with the hunter to go down the other side of the creek, all the way down until we reached a tall poll high above the ground, over the creek. He wanted me to jump down it into the creek. First off, I could have slipped off if I didn't have the experience years before. He was supposed to be the brave one getting ahead and telling me to jump. It took a while, but I did. I went KAPOW! into the water twice for the pussy. He still didn't want to jump in. He happened to say he done that before, but he really didn't. I tell you: I was a kid once, like we all were, and I wasn't THAT BAD. Kids ARE their parents. They ARE still people. So if a kid does wrong, it's fair the law may acquit them, but they can be much worse than adults are, yet people just want to call them innocent. I say they are acquitted with guilt. Guilt is for everyone, and I wasn't half as bad as those two "Christians" are. Even for my arguing with my parents many times in my life, that was more like learning to be a lawyer than an arsehole or known to be an arsehole. The most funny time I had with the two kids was months after telling the Catholic Christian that I didn't want to exist when I die because I don't want to see how sappy the after life is (no more than just being a ghost). Lol, he asks "why," of course with nothing in return. It was in his backyard, at finally getting to go to his house. I was expecting that day to come for how cheesy of acting they exhibited. I happened to tell him, "well you see, I once felt depressed, but I felt better when I became atheist." That's when the cheese ball fag started acting like he was crying because I was not Christian. Joseph doesn't see it, but he is not THAT GOOD of a Christian. He wishes, but he's just bitchin for a divorce in his adulthood spiritually. Nowadays, like last week or the week before, he tells me that my values resemble that of a Christian, but I will never be Christian for having to go through such prejudice and ignorance that I saw in the past two years. So someone please tell me wf just happened. I'll tell you what I think happened. A group of jackarses who don't want to talk about how I feel deep on the inside 'nor deal with me wanted to TELL ME with no response. So what they all did was put me in situations to learn on my own. They never asked or even WANTED to be a friend to me to ever get to know that ONE THOUGHT I had long ago that I don't get annoyed by kids. Sure, that is bound to turn sexual as I grow older, but that shouldn't be initially called a pedophile. I just didn't get annoyed while STUPID, arseholes of "friends and family" believe it's normal to be annoyed by kids. That's not true. I GREW UP treated differently because I wasn't my parents' pure blood. That has a great role in my behavior today. So if people don't want to see that. then I want them to know I believe THEY are wrong for fighting something that won't harm, and need to understand WHY I WOULD fight them in a war. I don't care if I get killed in the process, because it's about killing who's more worthless: Them. Hey, that's just a war, I'm not talking about real life... AND WHAT WORSE HAS BEEN DONE TO ME lest I get to know more. Some people probably believe I already fucked a kid, which I didn't. I never have and I never will. My arse still hurts from time to time years after never shoving something up my arse in a shower. You read me right. Years later when I got to watch my sister's dogs for up to a few days, I decide to have that kind of fun in her shower, but I wanted "it" really good. So like Bradley Nowell of the band Sublime, I chose something way bigger than before. Like the mistake he did after his best and debut concert for his album Sublime, he shoots the same amount of heroin he did as an addict, which was WAY TOO MUCH for a beginner or one who is sober of it. In the same nature, the circular shampoo bottle was way too big, but I stuffed it anyways. I felt shitty later than night; real shitty. Can you imagine what I did to my anus on a molecular level? There are some drugs you can stick in there, since it goes straight to the blood stream, but you dont want to do that with a lot of medicines, especially alcohol. Alcohol NEEDS processing by the gut, not by bathing in it. So ever since that night, my arse hurts. You think I want THAT on a child? I'm sure people think it's wrong to be nice and cool to a kid, but they don't know me and because of what already happened, I WANT money from those fucking people. Those god damn older sons and daughters of great-great grandma and grandpa's smiling portraits. That conjuring is still going on. My parents want me to move to Arizona with them. They are currently trying to make me hate my little brother by making it look like he's keeping a lot of secrets from me so he can be happy. He's been known to want to stay, but they ignore that I also want to stay. I don't want to be around a family who treats me like a puppy. They are one of MANY reasons why I haven't even learned to map yet, STILL! Moving with them would surely make me care less about my life. I want to die. I still do, but I can't. I can't become guilty. Plus, I want more vengeance. If people hate me here in Louisiana, I should have a chance to be understood. If not, I don't want to be in Arizona either, because I am with my life-long nemesis: THE PARENTS. They still play this FUCKING COLD GAME WITH ME: Be wrong and deceitful one day, but then use their whole God-given righteousness and spirit; MY TRUST to bargain ONE MORE conjuring against me. THAT'S a monster. Even if that's just an idea of who they are, they DEFINITELY don't want me to know EVERYTHING done upon me. I don't love them, people are wrong about family(especially if you want to be healthy), and only some scientists really understand that. If this was an action movie, I would be loved, and the narrarater of the trailer would TELL YOU: "His family tries to kill him... "*epic narrator voice pause*, "but this time love gets personal." Not even Hollywood can help. I want acknowledgment of this shit. I don't love Omar, that guy I once talked about. I even had a text message sent to me a couple weeks ago after having bad acid reflux at Laser Tag. One employee goes, "do you want a bandaid to swallow and put on your throat?" I don't know if she was still being nice, but I wasn't looking for attention. I didn't want to move after that shit happened during a game I had to walk out of. That text message said, "I always think about you." I don't know WHO sent it, but after all that shit happened alongside his older brother, who set me up to beat Andre, I WANT SOME FUCKING MONEY. From him, his brother, my parents, and more people. I'm just a scientist now. I DON'T WANT A LIFE. I WANT WORK; my own work.... TILL DEATH DOES US PART. This fucking one job I have to go through every Sunday sucked ever since my parents got to find out. YOU WON'T KNOW another person who COULD ACTUALLY ACHIEVE a feeling of Christmas every Sunday because you know your parents don't know you work there. That stopped. I want secret cash. I want to get the fuck away. I want to reign.... but all I read is "power power power..." ... WHAT POWER DO I HAVE? *Like Max's dad around the end of Real Steel* *Shakes head slightly, but briskly left to right* WHAT POWER? WHERE? HOW? "POWER." FUCK YOU. Hey, I'll keep going, but I don't give a damn about a life. I still want to game. I still want to map. I still want to try, but stupid people don't even give a fuck about how stupid they are. It's almost like they are zombies. So what do YOU think? Is all of that about murder? I don't care how they want to twist it from being Christians, but killing me is killing me. I would drop to a lower circle of hell than they are just to pull them in 3 circles of hell. Why? THAT'S WRONG. If you wanna battle, then try your best. Try and meet my understanding.